Before you read this post, take a few minutes to look over these two products and their descriptions.  They are a new brand of tortilla chips from Kettle Brand (zesty ranch and nacho cheddar).  I will give you a few seconds to review before we continue.

5, 4, 3, 2, 1…

Now, what brand comes to mind after looking at the packaging and reviewing the description?  Doritos, right!?  Yea, not so much!  Read on.

First, a disclaimer: I have tried the normal Kettle Brand potato chips, and I hated them.  I expected something similar to Lay’s potato chips, and instead almost broke my front teeth trying to crack through the hard, flavorless cardboard that apparently slipped its way into the bag during the processing phase, and disguised itself as a wanna-be tasty morsel. This experience would deter most people from ever trying the same brand again, but not me!  No, I refuse to spend $5 on a horrible product, when I can shell out another $5 for TWO horrible products.

Now that I have cleared up any confusion about my mental effectiveness when it comes to the ability to decide if I will like something, I will now explain how this packaging deceived me into trying it.  Usually, I don’t fall for their stupid tricks, but this was clearly NOT my fault.

We went shopping at Walgreens on the first day of the year – which now appears to be an omen of how 2012 will be. My first mistake was going down the food aisle, since I always buy something, eat it in one sitting and regret it for 3 months.  My second mistake was deciding that Kettle Brand chips would be any different with the word “Tias!” plastered across the front of the bag.  But, the words “zesty ranch” and “nacho cheddar” made me think “oh yum!  a healthier version of Doritos, for a lot less money!” I also noticed that the packaging was conveniently the same color as a Doritos bag. They tricked me once (ok, technically twice) and it won’t happen again.

I knew immediately after opening the first bag (nacho cheddar) that there was a problem.  The chips looked like there were made out of rice krispies – puffed, tan colored and in NO WAY reminiscent of the Doritos.  Considering all these warning signs, I soldiered on.  I popped the whole chip into my mouth and reluctantly started biting down.

Within minutes the side affects kicked in, my palms started to sweat, I could feel my gag reflex kicking in and I think even let out a loud yelping sound that sealed the deal.  I did the only thing I could think of:  I turned to Mom and said “OMG!  These taste like shit!  Try one!”  She tried one, and had a similar response.  My brother (Keith) tried them and – much like the “give them to Mikey, he will eat anything” commercials – he said they weren’t THAT bad.  And my sister (Mel) said she preferred the Kettle Brand nacho cheddar because she liked the fact that they weren’t drenched in cheese.  This is why we don’t ask for her opinion, she never agrees with us 🙂

The moral of this story is this:  don’t eat Kettle Brand chips.  They taste like crap, cost too much and are nothing like a “chip” by any definition.  Some things just shouldn’t be cooked in a kettle.

Happy eating!

David

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