homophobia (Photo credit: the|G|™)

I hate the word homophobia. It’s not a phobia. You are not scared. You are an asshole. – Unknown

Forgive me, as I summon Golden Girls star l Sophia Petrillo to help me set the scene.

Picture this: Jacksonville, FL. 2004-ish. It’s a warm Summer weekday at a former workplace, and I’m discussing a process with a fellow employee.  I’ve never considered myself to be a “touchy feely” person, but occasionally, a hug or pat on the back will make its rounds.  After we’re done talking, I pat him on the back and say “it will all work out, I’m sure.”  No sooner do the words leave my mouth before he swings around and utters “don’t touch me.” I was somewhat in shock, as this is a person I had been working with for years.  Could he seriously be homophobic?  Either way, I jumped into action with a quick one-liner: “don’t worry, you’re not my type.”  He looked stunned that someone finally called him out on his stupidity, so clearly my job was done here.  I could never look at him the same way after that incident.

This brings me to my point:  just because I’m gay doesn’t mean I’m attracted to every guy on the face of this earth – especially the ugly ones.

It seems to be a common myth – no thanks to characters like Jack from Will & Grace – that gay men are stereotyped as flamboyant men with annoying, high-pitched voices who will sleep with any guy, no matter how attractive, financially well off or old he is.  While two of these are true, we don’t find every human of the male persuasion to be hot and doable.

The general rule of thumb should be that if a female friend of yours doesn’t find herself sexually attracted to you, I probably won’t either. Since I am pretty much a penis-wielding woman, it makes perfect sense to me.

So next time you think that there is a gay guy at work who wants to get in your pants, follow this easy process: go up to a female co-worker and ask her if she finds you attractive.  If she says yes, then be proud of the fact that you can attract people of both sexes.  If she says no, apologize for wasting her time and go back to your cubicle to sit quietly and play Farmville.

Oh, and another thing!  What’s with the fact that all homophobic guys happen to be the ugly castaways that no one else wants?  I don’t have enough time to go into this, but I can assure you it would be a doozie.

Good day, sir.