“What New England is, is a state of mind, a place where dry humor and perpetual disappointment blend to produce an ironic pessimism that folks from away find most perplexing.” – William Lange

Arkansas. California. Pennsylvania. New Mexico. North Carolina. Florida. Oregon. Tennessee. Connecticut.  I’ve lived a lot of places in the 35 years I’ve been on this earth, but I have to say nothing prepared me for the “uniqueness” that is New England. Whether that’s a good thing is still a topic of debate. 

Until April 2015, I’d never experienced any state on the East Coast further north than North Carolina. I knew I was in for quite a surprise, but the extent of that surprise made me gasp.

I decided to point out some of the many things I’ve noticed about my new home over the past year. Tell me if you agree or disagree 😂😜

  • Massachusetts drivers are understandably referred to as Massholes
  • Freeways are highways (even though the sign says interstate)
  • Every mile of every highway is a “memorial highway” to honor someone or something you’ve probably never heard of 
  • Sub sandwiches are grinders (even though they contain no ground meat)
  • There is not one street in the entire area that is a proper intersection (everything is angled)
  • There are no red light cameras so everyone treats a red light as a green light 
  • It’s pronounced “calf” instead of cafe 
  • A liquor store is called a package store 
  • Dairy Queen closes during the winter time because apparently people don’t want ice cream for months at a time 
  • People consider 35 degrees to be warm 
  • Chain pizza stores are terrible even though no one has ever actually tried the pizza 
  • Potholes are a way of life and will eat anything smaller than an SUV 
  • Drivers don’t understand the white lines marking crosswalks so they slowly drive over them waiting for the light to turn green 
  • Pharmacies are called drug stores even though the signage specifically says pharmacy 
  • Starbucks is replaced by a Dunkin Donuts every 1/2 mile 
  • People can drive just fine in 15 feet of snow, but rain baffles them and has a higher percentage of you dying 
  • Mail carriers (probably called something else here haha) will not leave your mail in the mailbox if there is a car even slightly blocking their access to the mailbox – because it makes no sense to just walk their lazy ass 2 feet to the mailbox 
  • No one understands the concept of a reusable shopping bag even though they’re sold in the store where they’re being used 
  • People here don’t walk anywhere 
  • When you push the crosswalk button, it stops all four directions so people can walk more quickly across several lanes. Some pedestrians will simply cross diagonally in the middle of the street to save time 
  • Attempting to cross the street while in a shopping plaza is sort of like a game of Frogger since drivers don’t understand they have to yield to you 

I know you may have read my bullet points and thought ‘why does he focus so much on drivers?’. It’s because New England is notorious for consistently having some of the worst traffic in America, so I’ve had plenty of time to notice everything while I’m sitting in my car, waiting to get home.  

You may also be thinking ‘why does he have so many issues with New England?’ I’ve thought about this over the last year, and I think it started when I moved into our home. The gas was turned on for less than 24 hours and then I received this notice. 

In all fairness, I did get to mark several things off my bucket list, including visiting New York City and Boston for the first time. 

I think if anything positive came out of my move to Connecticut, it’s the fact that I’ve been forced to dig deep inside and figure out what I want from life and who I want to be. I’ve done things I would NEVER have done anywhere else like getting a tattoo and finally committing to a college degree. I also moved here for a career advancement opportunity I wouldn’t have gotten if I hadn’t moved here.

I also made amazing friends who have proven to be my rocks when things have gotten tough. I don’t know what I’d do without them in my life. And yes, Jill, I mean you.  

Morale of the story: life is like a box of chocolates…